The woman looked incredulously at the seating host of Lynn’s Finer Teas and Cakes. Honestly, it took a moment for her to process what he had said. “I’m sorry?..” she cocked her head.
“I said that regretfully, we are not permitted to allow primates into the shop.”
He was trying ever-so-hard to be polite, as someone in that position would. She sputtered and her face contorted several times. “I say,… are you insinuating that,.. I mean, I simply cannot believe…that you just called me that.”
The host’s eyes widened as he realized the miscommunication. “No, no, Madam, not at all! That is to say, I thought it would be fairly obvious that I was referring not to you, but to the… well,” at this point, ceremony was abandoned and he began to speak as a stranger on the street. “… it’s just that you’ve a monkey on your shoulder, as you know.”
Without looking at the monkey, the woman reached her right hand across, found the rump of the monkey on her left shoulder, and stroked down the entire length of the tail. “Isn’t he fabulous?” she asked. “His name is Mr. Boffin. He’s a macaque. He goes everywhere I go,” she added defensively.
Now it was the waiter’s turn to look incredulous. “Yes. Very nice, I am sure. But as I said, there is NO WAY that monkey is going to be allowed into the shop. I am sorry.”
”Well, that seems a very hard rule… What, with all the lovely food in there. I have money and I’m willing to pay.”
”Yes, I have no doubt that you do. That doesn’t come into it.”
”Well, why not then?” She pulled out some charm and took a step closer. Her voice became sweet and intimate. “Why not just let me in with my lovely little Mr. Boffin? I’ve heard so much about Lynn’s Finer Teas and Cakes. It’s time I experienced it for myself.”
He heaved a quick little unbelievable-laugh-sigh. “Um, you ask why? There are two extremely good reasons why I’m not to let you in through this door. The first is that, as you may guess, I’m not in charge here. This place operates under certain rules that make it run smoothly and create the desired atmosphere which people pay top dollar to experience. And I’m under strict direction not to let in any pets of any kind. But I’m sure you can see how a monkey in particular would be especially problematic.” The woman continued to stroke Mr. Boffin’s tail as if carrying a monkey around was the most natural thing in the world. He continued, “the second is that our shop is full to the brim with the most expensive and exotic tea leaves from all over the world. The people who come here are expecting a certain experience, if you had any imagination you could surely see that a dirty, meddling little monkey is going to wreak havoc on that experience.” He was beginning to get worked up, but fighting to stay composed. “Our customers sometimes travel from great distances to taste the wares that we offer. And they don’t bring their monkeys. Or their chihuahuas, or their boa constrictors, or any other sort of beast. You are welcome to come in another day when you leave your monkey at home. Good day to you.” And he started to close the door.
”Well, I think it’s very rude,” she said, “and… and judgmental.” She was at the next level of indignancy, and she turned up her nose. “It seems entirely exclusive. I want to come in, and you won’t allow it just because I have a little monkey. This monkey is a part of me and I can’t let him go. Why, it’s discrimination, that’s what it is.”
“It’s nothing of the sort. Anyone may come in here. Anyone at all. But anyone with a monkey has to leave their monkey outside the shop.”
“But where I come from, it’s normal for a woman to travel with her monkey. Indeed, I wouldn’t expect anything different. I am going to tell everyone I know that this place is an exclusive club, that they wouldn’t let me in just because I was traveling with an adorable pet monkey!”
The waiter paused as he considered where she would be coming from that such a thing would be normal. Also, he was fairly sure that any people she would have told would likely side with him when they considered all. The comedy of the situation helped him to soften his voice. “Again, I am sorry. I hope you can find an equivalent experience somewhere else that allows for Mr. Boffin. If you leave your monkey at home you could come back another day. Perhaps, if you need help with your monkey or you need someone to take your monkey, that’s another question altogether and I could even possibly point you in the right direction. But as it stands, monkeys are not allowed into the shop.”
The woman was beginning to see she would not be able to prevail. She had really put her hopes into getting into Lynn’s Finer Teas and Cakes this very morning. The host saw her glance briefly sideways at the animal, and her face fell as if she had never considered leaving it with someone before. The consideration did not last long. “No,” she exclaimed coolly. “I am to be let in with my monkey, or this place is a bunch of bunk. I’m never coming back here. You’ve forever lost my business, and that of my friends. I’m going to do everything I can to ruin the reputation of this establishment.”
”With due respect Madam, you’re the one with the monkey,” said the seating host, as he finished closing the door.